Fucking A.

I've had such a bad weekend. I mean, today was really bad. Last night was fucking awful. I'm starting to feel it, I guess, I'm sick to my stomach and the baby isn't helping. I just want to cry, but about what I don't know.

I'm tired of drama bullshit. I'm tired of bitches thinking they know shit and messing with things that ended a while ago. I'm tired of enablers. I'm tired of people who take your deepest darkest secret and blow you down with it. I'm tired of aloof people, I'm tired of crazy people, I'm tired of people who'll say they'll do something that I need or say they'll be there for me when I need them and they really don't, because their life is so much more important. I'm tired of hypocrites and dead people. I think I have managed to cover everyone in my life at this point. Even people who aren't really in my life, and one person who went and died on me when I needed him the most.

I had my doctors appointment today, everything is going really well, I am 31 weeks and short of the baby being very high up I'm normal. Which is good. My one light and it's starting to look dim for reasons I don't know.

The hormone thing has kicked back in full force and I can't deal with it...on top of shit going especially bad for me lately, and feeling like an idiot and feeling unloved and whatnot. I'm so moody and it's frustrating, I want to slap myself and say calm down but I can't. Right now I want to cry, but I don't know over what or even why I should, I just want to. That's why I left Mark earlier than usual today. I need to think I guess, I need to get shit into perspective and clear my head because I have all these doubts now, about everything in my life, and what I once thought was so sure is now not. My mther contributed to a great deal of this today, but that's a whole other story. I've got that room full of people and still lonely thing going on right now, and I'm not sure if it's a pity party or not. But actually, I'd rather be alone. I can't trust anyone with my feelings, they manage to walk all over them and break my heart no matter who they are or what they mean to me. And I am just so tired of it. I just want to be truly happy again. I had it for a short while...and now it's gone. I thought maybe my happiness was deserved but the lord giveth, and the lord taketh away. So who am I to complain.

Enough for now. I think my pity party has played out and I wanna go home.

-Petra

written on 2002-08-13 at 12:39 a.m. by sweetsolace.

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