So here I sit.

Most of the day I hung out with mom and kept her company...Dad has been giving her a hard time over her headches, he's turning into an ass...and I honestly don't see how mom is going to make it with no one's support. I mean, she has mine but she really needs her husband and mother's. I'm still a dependant party, and I don't think I count, and I kind of understand why now. I hope that Jonathan brings her some joy, and maybe it will give her something to fixate on, and maybe she'll have less headaches.

Mark is at the show tonight, and I'm going to head over there at some point. *his place* I was going to do the dishes and surprise him but I lost my motivation...I think he's rubbing off on me :-) Eh, who knows. I might do them anyways when I get there. Grace is with her mother now, I think. She's such a doll, and so smart. Shes come to like me now, or at least get used to me. She gives me kisses and hugs and plays with me, and tells Mark he can't be on me, but then she tells me Mark is her daddy, lol. We watch animal planet and color and she shows me her limited gymnastic abilities and whatnot. I dunno, I kind of miss her when she goes with Jenni...it's strange. I never thought I would date a guy with a kid. Of course I never thought I'd be pregnant at this age but anyhoo. And even though I love kids more than anything, I don't know how I would have handled it. I don't think I would have dated just any guy with a kid, Mark is different somehow. Mark is right. And that makes Grace right. And soon, Jonathan. Do I have my doubts about making it with Mark with all that's going on and will be? Sometimes. I know it's going to be difficult, and I won't be able to see him as often...and Jonathan is going to be taking up a great amount of my life, *no objections* But I want to try my hardest to make things work with him. Because I am happy. Mark sent me a message the other day that said something like "Love is when you don't want to sleep because reality is better than a dream." I'm feeling that special love feeling, and I don't really know how to describe it, it's that I want to cry when you go, I miss you before you leave, I can't be close enough, and no matter what I love you loves.

I was having this jealousy problem for awhile. I'm hispanic, I'm feisty and jealous by nature dammit. Pertaining to his ex. I felt threatned and scared that I would lose him to her for a while. But I think I've found my peace with it. He has really helped me with that. I have a major trust problem with people anymore...for good reasons. I have been dicked over a few times in my life and I have learned to trust initially but the first fuck up and it's gone. I almost ruined myself over someone because of the amount of love I had for them, and did things I will never do for anyone again no matter what the cost, and I learned from that. When I am not happy, when I am the only one working in a relationship or when I feel that I am not the only one, I'm gonna bail. And I hope I had conveyed that to Mark, and I think I did. He let me know how much he loved me and how happy he was (is) with me, and how I had nothing to worry about. I have plans and hopes and dreams with him. We are going to make it, as long as we both pull for it. And I couldn't ask for more, you know. All I can say is that I am finally happy again. I love to be with him, to snuggle up with him, to wrap myself around and him and his snoring doesn't bother me anymore...I know that was a strange switch of topic but it just occured to me. Odd. In the middle of the night he reaches for me and kisses the back of my head and holds me and I feel so wanted, so good. Except for when he's bopping me on the head with elbows, but we won't get into that. :-)

I'm still waiting for that other shoe to drop. I know things are not over. But I am not going to make a pest out of myself over this. Because I know he's with me and loves me. I guess I have been thinking all day about this stuff, over analyzing as usual and trying to figure out how I really feel about it all. Usually I never ask myself those kinds of questions, I go with my gut instinct and run and never look back. But here lately I have been talking to myself like a psychiatrist. "And how do YOU feel about that Petra?" I just don't want a broken heart again. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I've hurt enough, I could sit here and go through my lists of true deep emotional pain starting with age 12 and work until a week ago, but I won't. I don't want to be felt sorry for and I don't need to go through all those things. Because if anyone really gets to know me they see that most of who I am is shaped by that pain. What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. I don't like to talk about a lot of it, and most of it I will never ever get into. Not while I live and breathe. But I am ok. I am here, typing this entry and getting butterflies over seeing Mark. I am very pregnant with my son, and starting to get anxious over his coming. I see my life shaping itself and coming into place finally, sans a few things but they will come as well. I see that I am all right, and that's a comfort. Nothing has gotten me down so bad I couldn't go on. And I doubt anything ever will. And hopefully, that's a slap in the face to all those who tried to pull me down, who still try to pull me down, who take advantage of me and my kindness, and those who used me. I am not broken. I am still here. You cannot break me, or bend me. I am stronger than any of you could ever realize, now that I have realized it myself. So, erm...nanner.

-Petra

written on 2002-08-16 at 9:59 p.m. by sweetsolace.

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