So here I am.

I guess I can tell if I had a good weekened if I have heartburn. It used to be if I had a hangover, but now it's heartburn. Cute.

I start lamaze tonight. Joy.

Mom is falling deeper and deeper into some version of hell that her office created for her, and she won't grab any of the ropes that would be thrown for her. She'd rather silently suffer than fight back or walk. I think mom is good and brave for wanting to

stay and show those people they can't hurt her...truth of the matter is they are. They are all idiots, and beneath her, their opinion shouldn't matter to them because she knows the truth of their character. I don't want to say it would take more moxie to stand up to them or to walk...but to sit and endure daily BULLSHIT like that? Because you want to prove something? Seems sadomasochistic to me. My mother is a good person. One of the few good people I know. She is deeply good. And in her I see many of my grandfathers qualities in her, she wants to learn and grow as an individual, she's never been one to stay where she was planted. She has patience and suffers like a freaking martyr sometimes. I never did understand why the good ones always suffer so. She believes in God, she goes to church, she has a true and real belief and I know that how I believe bothers her, the fact that I don't have the faith she does. I do believe in God, high power and whatnot...but here I still sit three years later looking for a vision, a sign, and God knows I won't go without it and I think he's going to let me go without it. Me being a doubting Thomas and whatnot, which is rather funny sometimes I think...I was raised in the bible in a good church my entire life. I know more about the bible than some people who go every day, I know the stories and the lessons, I can remember entire sermons. I can even argue the side of the Lord but without any real conviction. *sigh*

But mom has these headaches...these debilitating headaches and they don't get any better, medication doesn't touch them most times, and it really does hold her back and I'm afraid it's changing her as a person. I haven't seen that it has, but I'm afraid all of this is going to make her bitter. And that's one thing about her that she has that my grandfather didn't have a whole lot of. She's such an innocent. Naive even. And I don't want her to be angry. I know she is. Sometimes I see how angry she is...and it can't be helped. But to be bitter is so much worse.

So. Man, that was a ramble ladies and gentlemen.

So I ran into an old friend of mine this morning, Rob. At a stop light no less, I would have totally missed him if he hadn't of stuck his head out the car window because I don't pay attention to people. His wife, Trish, is only three weeks further along than I am, she's 35 weeks. And she's getting induced today at Surburban hospital. Eeep! She's doing ok, she doesn't have eclampsia or anything, it's just that she's two centimeters dialted and she's lost most of her plug, and the doc said he could feel the babies scalp, so she's having a baby! I gave Rob my new phone number and he's gonna call me and let me know how things go and imma get to see de baby when she comes home...woo hoo! Practice! How scary is that though? I've really come out of this virtually unscathed *knocks on WOOD* and had a good pregnancy. I haven't been too sick or had any real problems short of some small dry skin patches and braxton-hicks contractions here and there. Which do suck but I'll take those over anything else. Baby is healthy and fine and so am I.

Me and Mark are doing good :-) In that aspect I am so happy. I honestly never thought I'd find something like this, that I didn't deserve it or I wasn't meant for it. I always figured I'd end up in a dead end loveless relationship with someone, and had kind of resolved myself to the fact. Either that or I would have been a lonely, lonely woman. And here I am, with someone, who *waiting for Mark to cringe* I honestly think I was meant to be with. It's so right to me, how it fell into place and how everything works itself out in the end. Like someone is doing it for me, almost. And he is so in love with me. We had a talk along lines like that a couple of weeks ago, about energy and comparing God to the feeling of love, how you can't see it but you can feel it, same way with God. But I can see love. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, I can see it growing on a daily basis in my belly, I see it between my mom and me. I saw it with my grandfather. I can see Mark's love just as much as I can feel it. He has a different face when he looks at me, it's so tender and *maybe* happy. I would do anything in my power to make sure him and his were taken care of, as much as I could, and to make sure he was happy, or a reasonable facsimilie of. He talks about happiness sometimes as an elusive thing, something that he could never really reach, at least full happiness. And short of finding a million dollars in a suitcase somewhere I don't think he'll ever have full happiness with me, heh, but I'll try.

Ok, so. Tommorow or later tonight prolly tommorow though I'll update about lamaze class...ergh. We'll see.

-Petra

written on 2002-08-19 at 2:06 p.m. by sweetsolace.

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