So here I sit...listning to him snore in the dark. I couldn't sleep, I wasn't tired. I'm getting that way now though. I wanted to lay with him but all I was doing was keeping him up and he needs his sleep. I love to watch him sleep though, I did for a bit. His face is so peaceful when he sleeps, his red hair laid out on the pillow, his arm laid in the spot where I was...the comfort is I know that when I go to lay down next to him he's going to snuggle up to me and hold me tightly until he goes back to sleep again, which, incidentally, will only take about 2 or 3 seconds. :)

I think the real reason I can't sleep is because my baby is kicking the crap out of me in the oddest places. I'm still not over the small diaper thing...I was in some sort of parental outrage this morning. I had read in a magazine that the car seat I have has a recall on it, when being used as a carrier device the handle comes off and the baby falls to the ground. Um, no. So I called the hotline and talked to someone there and they said they have a repair kit, but that it has to break before it can be repaired. *moron?* So I got on the website and checked it out further...luckily the model I have was produced 4 months after the faulty batch, so evidently mine is fine. I still am a little bit worried, so I'm just going to use it as a car seat and get one of those baby carrier snugli things. Baby backpack, you know. We'll see how long that will last.

Today me and mom are going to get the paint for the nursery, and ceiling paint and primer. I'm still torn between that jewel blue and a baby blue...I don't want the room to be so wishy washy but I don't want the walls to overstimulate him as he becomes more aware of it. The blue I want is kind of bright...I don't know. I'm going to bring one of the peter rabbit prints I have for the wall and use the blues out of his jacket to match for the wall. There is still so much to get and set up and prepare for...and I have hardly any time left. I was thinking, it's quite possible for me to have this baby early, and what then? Scramble scramble, hope it's halfway done by the time we come home. And I don't think I'm going to have a baby shower...Mom hasn't mentioned it any and august is almost over. Oh well. I'm kind of dissapointed, but who am I to say, you know?

Whenever I used to picture me being pregnant and having a baby, I pictured it being with my soulmate, the one I would be with forever. I thought it would be wonderful and he would go with me to all my visits and be as excited as I was and we would get ready for the birth together and it would be a time of happiness and preparation, everything would be taken care of. The nursery would be complete early on so I could sit in it and imagine, of course in this little fantasy I am married...so my husband and I lay in bed while he rubs my belly and talks to his baby and we both just have this mystical connection only made stronger as my belly grows.

Bullshit.

My pregnancy started out wrong, bad. I was with someone who at the time had no motivation and all we did was fight over the dumbest things, I was at home with my parents, knowing each day that this wasn't going to end even closely the way he wanted it to, I didn't enjoy being pregnant until the second trimester and only because I was so freaking scared and alone through the first one, I had to put up with loons and get told I was crazy on a daily basis...well hello, I'm hormonal, of course I am crazy right now. It's normal. When I tried to do things that I felt was right for me, I was hit with nothing but hostility and threatned constantly...and I was so confused. The only people that were there for me all the way in the beginning were my parents and I wouldn't even listen to them. In all I lost my all my friends and had to totally distance myself from the father because things were just too volatile at the time.

I felt cheated. I FEEL cheated.

The other day Mark asked me if I would want to have his baby. *down the line* Now whether or not he was serious is besides the point. It made me think. I think the reason I am so turned off to ever being pregnant again is because of this experiance...and other things. Mark has been a godsend to me. In that, he has been a support, that male support I so wanted, and he exceeds every expectation I had. Mark doesn't just accept and love me, and that means so much. I don't feel like a burden, I don't feel like my problems are an inconvienience for him. I am comforted by him because he is a parent too, he's been there, done it all. Has a cute daughter to show for it. He is willing to be there for me as much as he can, and no matter what is always willing to try. I was thinking that I would talk to my doctor about getting my tubes tied after Jonathan...and it's a possibility considering my history. But...if all works out and goes well, I would love to have a child with Mark. *down the line (!)*

To bed for me now. I have a scotsman to snuggle up to.

-Petra

written on 2002-08-22 at 1:04 a.m. by sweetsolace.

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