Last night my grandmother attempted suicide. Once when I wasn't there, the day before and tried again while I was there. She tried to overdose herself on nerve medication. I don't think the woman really knew her name. All she could say for about a half an hour is how she wanted to kill herself and she hated me and the boys and mom and she wanted away from us because all we do is tell her what to do and how to live and we abandoned her. She drinks herself from morning to night and that is partially my fault. I finally told mom that I help Omi buy beer and now I see the wrong in it. I figured, once a month a case isn't going to hurt her, she's german for god's sake, she grew up on it, and she told me she only had about one to two a day, so I didn't see the harm. Most people wouldn't. Only to find out she was looped every chance she got because she was trying to kill herself. *massive guilt*

I handled that alone. I was scared to, really, I have never really dealt with Omi when she is crazy like that...only once in my recollection and that ended badly. But not bad enough that I was afraid to leave because I might not see her again. Mike was there, *my uncle* but he was really no help, yelling at her telling her that she would go to hell if she killed herself and she would never see Pa again and if she was really going to do it then she needed to get it over and done with. I don't know where he gets off, but tough love never really worked with her, it only made her more desperate. In my limited amounts of dealing with crazy Omi. And he left, ended up running to his soon to be ex wife because he can't seem to get enough of the slut. And that is the nicest title I can really give her.

So I had to wrestle the pill bottle away from my grandmother. And only God knows where the elderly get their strength when they need it...or if it was pure desperation and adrenaline...but I had a difficult time of it and I'd like to think I'm decently strong. I haven't really been able to show much of it lately because I'm pregnant...but I can take a hit and hold my own in the ring, I can be a wriggly force to be reckoned with. Of course I wasn't as rough as I could have been because I didn't want to hurt her or leave a mark or anything, she bruises easily and I don't know how brittle her bones are, I'm sure they are pretty breakable.

So, after confiscating the pills and pouring every bit of beer in the house down the sink, and sitting with her leting her yell and cry and yelling back and talking and calming down, I got her in some kind of better state, or so I had hoped. I'm not too sure why she was like that last night, she gave a variety of reasons but I don't know which one was the true one, or if they all were. I only left last night after she had taken her heart meds and she promised to go to bed...I hugged her and kissed her and told her I loved her and said goodbye and left...I didn't know what else to do really. I think I had done all I could do, I made sure she couldn't harm herself with the same medium twice and stayed with her until I was mentally exhausted and left after making sure she knew I loved her. And mostly that was to ease any guilt I might have felt had she not made it through the night.

I called mom a little bit ago, and she called brother Tommy, somewhat of a third father figure to me, and pastor of our church. And now mom is talking mediation with me her omi and the boys...but brother Tommy said that is Omi is hell bent on killing herself there is nothing we can do. Chris *my other uncle* thinks we should put her in a home...and I had suggested it before, but last night I saw so much...and realized so many things. How hard it would be if we really did put her in a home, how Pa would have had a literal fit if he knew his schotz was in a home. I doubt this shit would have happened at all if he was here, it seems nothing goes right or ok anymore, and we are all in a progressive state of falling apart and I'm so sick of it. I want my grandfather back even for a day so he could fix everything. Like he always did. He was our family glue. The only person who made us behave and act like a family, even when behind the scenes it was bad. At least we had some working facade. And now look.

So anyways, mom called Omi this morning and she said she sounds more lucid, and mom is going over there this afternoon. She asked me to go with her, but I feel kind of drained right now. Mark woke me up this morning and wanted me to go eat breakfast at his parents but I couldn't...I just cried this morning and I hate crying. And now I feel hollow.

-Petra

written on 2002-08-25 at 11:22 a.m. by sweetsolace.

previous-next