The baby and I are currently enjoying chicken soup courtesy of la chef mama, and orange juice with plenty of folic acid. Not exactly normal for 8 in the morning but it works for me. We also had a piece of bread and some cotton candy too. Now I want more food...my eating has increased. I can't think of a point in the day when I do not want to be eating...I stop myself though. I have started to gain weight, finally, but I'm not going all out here, nor making up for the months I gained nothing. So I just eat when it's mealtime and try to stay out of the kitchen otherwise. But not this morning, I'm about to raid some cabinets again.

Currently listning to Ricky go on about all his video games and movies he buys, and how he's gonna buy a new car...again. Not that he's bought lots of cars, but there's always some vehicle he's hoping to purchase. I'm not bringing the money up to him anymore. If he chooses to pay any of the bills, that's what he does and it's up to him to remember them. If he chooses to buy diapers and whatnot, that's up to him. I'm not going to nag and tell him how to be a dad or tell him how to start supplying for this baby. God knows I want to...but I don't feel like listning to him go on and on about how he's got it handled and whatnot. From what I've seen and know he hasn't bought the baby one outfit, bought him one pack of diapers, hasn't bought him anything, or offered to help with the nursery, you know, normal baby setup like toiletries or anything. Here I am, going to give birth in little more than a month. And I'm not trying to be a bitch. I have given him the benefit of the doubt more than he knows, when I could have turned my back and treated him like garbage and made life hard for him to get to see or know this baby, I defended him to my mother and father and totally went against my mother's judgement, because I want Ricky to have the chance to be a father. I want him to be a good one. I want Jonathan to have a good father...biological and whatnot. And I shall just sit back and wait, let some time pass and see how all of this is handled. Because I am overwhelmed with a lot of things right now and I'm not trying to worry about everything.

I wanna be back on Mark's vacation. *sniff* He had a three day vacation and we spent it in virtual seclusion. With a PS2 and television and each others company we were well entertained. Well, I was anyways. I don't know, Mark is my drug. It's pathetic and teenager-ish and all that crap but I can't get enough of him, being with him 24/7 is almost just not enough. Seeing him leave or having to leave is emptiness for me until I am with him again. I feel whole with him, and finished. I don't feel restless and I don't feel that I'm settling and I have no regrets. I don't look at Mark at ANY point and think, what have I done, what have I gotten into. I make no excuses for him. I used to make excuses for others behavior or hope and pray everyone liked them, and put away pieces of me so they wouldn't feel the lack. But I am totally myself with him, and whether that's a good or bad thing it's too soon to tell. And I don't care what people think of him or how they perceive us. I am happy. And that's all that matters.

I think that's all for now. I'm sure I'll come back to this within the next couple of days and add more, because I'm crazy like that. Dammit I'm tired...

-Petra

written on 2002-08-29 at 8:08 a.m. by sweetsolace.

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