I am home now.

I woke up actually feeling rested for once. No thanks to little bit, who went on a kicking spree last night, felt like he was rolling and everything, even Mark felt it. He's still up in my ribcage area, and he was punching and kicking on both of my sides, that was pleasant let me tell you.

So yesterday I took Omi to the beauty shop and she wanted to go to Value City and we went there and had lunch, kind of. I only say kind of because she odered something and didn't get what she wanted and I ordered a steak and it came to me bloody so I lost my appetite and I barely ate. But I didn't want Omi to feel bad so I told her I was kind of full from the salad. But that steak was disgusting. I'm not a bloody steak person, a little bit of pink is ok, even welcome, but when I press down on the steak and blood oozes out of it, well that makes me rethink being a carnivore.

So, everything went ok I guess. I wasn't looking forward to taking her because of all the stuff that had happened earlier in the week. But she went on like nothing had happened and called me sweetheart and girlie and all that stuff. I think she had that sweetned attitude because it would be too much to apologize, but if she butters me up that's just as good as saying "I'm sorry." And being the nonconfrontational person I truly am, I am content with being buttered up...I hate when people apologize to me, it makes me feel bad. Travis said it's because I have low self esteem, but I dunno. I mean, as for the nonconfrontational thing...generally I am a peaceful person. I only vent and rant to people that I know won't judge me or hate me for it. But when faced in situations I hate to be mean, I hate to be angry or pick fights because then I have to BE angry. And I can't stand to feel that way. It's easier to go on, taking things as they come and roll with the punches. I think that's why I had such a difficult time when I first got pregnant with the mood changes and swings, it really made me feel crazy. And when one feels crazy, he/she acts crazy, and so forth.

So I'm taking Omi to the commisary today, and then I'm going to the dollar store for shampoo and hair thingys and a pizza pan for Senor Mark, we are making a pizza today. Like, making it. I had a dream that I was tossing dough last night, I guess I really want to make this damn pizza. I need to clean my room, like...really really bad. REALLY badly...now I'm doing laundry because I am wearing those new pants of mine again. Yes again. I like them and it's not like I have much choice of clothing I can wear. So nanner.

My birthday is Tuesday. I'll be 21. Mark told me to stop saying how old I was because he forgets how young I am. I was 17 when I graduated high school and he is 22 years old now, about to turn 23 come March. I thought I would dread this birthday because I won't get to celebrate it the way I'd like to...with the trinity...J, J and J, you figure it out. But that's ok. I think it will be nice to have a quiet birthday, we going to barbecue, and have a cake, and it will be nice. Me and the family, mom and dad and omi and I think one or two of my uncles. I woulnd't mind the kids, but I don't think mom wants them there, and Mark. If he's not working on wolfies pc. I told mom I wanted a baby cake...something baby themed. I think it would be pretty. I'm so tentative of this motherhood stuff right now. I hope when I have him it will all come rushing to me and I won't need guidance but I don't know if I know how to love like that. I do love, I love greatly and with my whole self. But to love a child, one of your own seems like something I fear I may not have the capability to do. And I don't want to turn into some monster mother, constantly trying to make up for my shortcomings, and depending on others to show him the love I can't. I've seen it before, I don't want that to be me.

Jesus I have rambled and ranted and went on for about an hour now off and on so I'm going to end this entry...I don't even know half of what I said and now I'm rambling again...bah

-Petra

written on 2002-08-30 at 12:16 p.m. by sweetsolace.

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