Ah, a break. Mom has the baby...I am free for a bit. I have so much to do yet I find myself here, inexplicably drawn to the computer...maybe because I know Mark is on one and talking to me. I think that's my only use for these things now. To talk to Mark when Mark isn't with me. I am pathetic. But I didn't ask you, so nya.

Poor baby has thrush. I got him some antibiotic, some gross stuff I have to put in his mouth three times a day. But he;'s so good natured he takes it. Even when he got his shot yesterday he cried for maybe a minute and then settled down...I'm thinking, this kid can't be mine, he's too...calm...good natured, heh. Such a good baby. I know that he knows me now...he follows my voice with his eyes, when he hears me and he can't see me he looks for me, and when I hold him or feed him he watches me, eye to eye. His doctor said that's a sign of a trust bond forming, he knows when he has needs he can cry for them and I can hear those crys and meet those needs. And everytime I respond to his cry by cuddling and kissing and picking him up I am solidifying that bond and trust. This is all rather mystical to me in a way...I never really believed in love at first sight. Maybe love at first kiss, or touch, or love in a week or so...But I loved at first sight when I saw him. And it gets stronger everyday, and I amaze myself...when I know what he crys for, what he needs, what each little cry means...I never thought I could be so in tune with another human being. And it dwarfs everything else, I know in the end...I will have myself, and the love for my son. I realized the other night that when all else fails, I'll have that. Nothing can take that from me, nothing can take the memory of his lifting his little head from my chest to look at me when he was first born...or when he first smiled at me...or when he first recognized me from other people. Nothing can make me forget the smell of his skin or the feel of his little fingers wrapped around mine. Or the feeling of completeness I have with him. Now I will never be alone, no matter what.

Ah, the frailty of human relationships...I've been such a bitch to Mark lately...I've been testing him I think, and I try to stop myself but I am at that point where I want to know where I stand and what to honestly expect in the long haul. And that butthead answers every question perfectly. Usually in every relationship by this point I realize I fooled myself by finding the other person flawless, I find myself seeking out flaws and cataloging them, find myself growing slightly tired of the constant company...regardless of how I love them...and this is not happening and I don't understand it. What does that mean? That it's only a matter of time, or that this is TRUE LOVE...something I never thought myself to be worthy of...TRUE LOVE is a once in a lifetime thing, you don't want to blow TRUE LOVE...that kind of thing doesn't come around to everyone...I cap it because that's how I see it in my head. It's not a fairytale story, or something I have with everyone I date. I never told Kevin he was my true love. Because I knew better. And I don't know if Mark is...I'd be scared to say really, for fear of jinxing or scaring him off...but God how I want him to be. I don't know how I even drew breath without him there...and the thought of him not being there...it would be a dreary, bleak existance.

Talking to Dawn...I wish I could be the same way with her I used to be...I wish I had some of my old friends back...but I feel like some things have come to far and gone on too long. And I feel like, I can't trust anyone anymore. I honestly feel like I'm in a fishbowl here in Radcliff. I want out so bad. Louisville would be better than here, at least I could go somewhere without seeing someone I know. In the meantime I have to finish this entry before I lose it due to my computer being a piece of KRAP.

-Petra

written on 2002-10-23 at 4:22 p.m. by sweetsolace.

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