Well, Happy Holidays to those that celebrate. I'm working on having a happy holiday but everything is working against me. Well, not everything. But big things.

Last Saturday I went to go see my grandmother, to check on her because she hadn't been answering her phone. And I found her on the floor, unable to move, the house torn up, blood on the kitchen floor, she'd peed on herself and she was severly dehydrated because she'd been there, according to her since Thanksgiving night. Ambulance was called, paramedics took her but not before I voiced my concern that she had possibly overdosed on her medication, like she has done often before. I wouldn't have if she hadn't hidden the bottle of Klonopin and smiled as they put her on the stretcher. And she couldn't feel pain. Another sign of overdose. She had bruises on her hips and all over her body frankly, when I gave her a sponge bath they wer eon her back and chest and legs and her knees were all ripped up and whatnot. Doctors said she didn't have a stroke, and other than needing a lot of potassium she's ok. She just scared us a lot. They had her in lifespring for a while, to be evaluated because she is suicidal. And when Omi gets out we are looking into assisted living now. Because we all can't be there 24/7 and an alert system just isn't enough. Her doctor said at some point we'll have to put her in a nursing home so maybe assisted living will be better for her. And she'll be closer to Valley Station which is home for her.

I don't know how to handle that, process it really. I feel so guilty for not having gone sooner, or for not saying the right things to make her think she could talk to me, for holding things against her and not treating her good enough. And mom and dad seem to think, along with everyone else, that this was a bid for attention and she's gotten what she wanted, and now that's why she's so happy. But I can almost see why she did it IF she did. She sits in that house all day everyday with no one to talk to, or see...she's alone all the time except for maybe 3 or 4 days out of the month. Ok, maybe 6. Still not enough. She doesn't really have any hobbies, and her husband died 4 years ago, one of her children acts like she died 4 years ago too, the other only comes around when it suits him to do so, and the oldest is sick herself and can't do it all. So I've been the thankless one, running her places and calling her during the week, running her errands and listning to her irrationalities. If that's even a word. Prolly not. Mom does what she can and I do what's left. And I got tired of it, frankly. And started to resent her and not talk to her and do what was necessary and no more, I didn't even treat her like a person. And now I'm changing that. Pa wouldn't have approved, no matter what she did he loved her unconditionally because in reality that's what she needs. Somewhere along the long line of her life she was taught that love has a price tag. Or a catch. And that's how she applies her love to other people. She told me once she used to pick fights and throw fits with my grandfather to test his love, just to see how far she could push him until he broke or left. And you know what? He never did either, and that's why our family canonized him. Among other things...but he was the best man I'll ever have pleasure of knowing.

And mom is becoming unbearable to deal with...she told me the other day she had no choice but to love me. That hurt pretty bad. My own mother. She's mad at me because I've moved in with Mark. And not because I left but because Jonathan comes with me. And lately she's been treating me like crap, telling me she's tired that everyone dictates how they are going to live their lives to her. Well, HELLO...it's my life. I am not dictating. I am happy as hell for once, I've never been so happy. Today, Mark is coming home and I will have finally made our late thanksgiving dinner and we're making cookies and hot chocolate and decorating for christmas tonight with Grace and the baby. How fucking Hallmark is that? I have a family of my own, I have branched off, and I am so happy and complete. I have a partner I am totally in love with in all aspects, someone who matches my intelligence and I can have a good conversation and even arguement from time to time, not someone who pretends they know something but who is really full of shit, or someone who couldn't keep up even if he had an encyclopedia *stab at exboyfriends* We play and laugh and poke fun and act silly and we have mutual friends and children and all in all good families and homes and we do everything well together. We have had out fights, arguements, spats, whatever. And when realizing I don't have to head my head on a brick wall for him, everything was resolved quickly. I've never been so in love before, and I doubt I ever could love anyone else the way I love Mark. Kevin couldn't hold a candle to him. No one could. So how could my mother be angry with me for finally having everything I ever wanted? And it may all be coming ass backwards, but here it is. And I am happy. For the first time in a long time, I can smile with no shadow. Old hurts are not forgotten but they are healing...wounds that had festered in my mind are now light scars. My temperment has changed, my perspective and views have changed, and most of that is due to motherhood as well...speaking of which, my demon spawn is awake and wanting attention so I will close this long ass entry.

-Petra

written on 2002-12-04 at 11:56 a.m. by sweetsolace.

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