Maury Povitch should be taken off the air.

It's been a while and I don't know where to begin...I guess I'll start with what I like to call the NuBaby. I finally had my doctors appointment and estimated I am about 4 months pregnant, but my midwife said she'd rather not say for sure until we do an ultrasound, although she did say NuBaby is kinda high up there in my belly. I go back on my birthday (yay.) to schedule the ultrasound and probably run more tests. My blood pressure was high, which was strange because my blood pressure has always been a solid 120/80, which is excellent for me considering family history...but she said no alarms until it gets up and stays up. I want a boy so so bad...but if wishful thinking got me a girl then everybody is against me. My mother, my family, everyone except me and Mark want a girl. Even Grace wants a girl although I can hardly blame her, she has two baby brothers, one here and one at mommys and she's about tired of that. I just know what trouble girls are, I remember how I was and I don't want to put up with one like me...I do know that whatever it is I'll love him/her...just while the wishing is still good...*I want a boy*

Married life, is strangely comforting. When we went to the guys last show at Tekworld they were all asking us how it was and all we could really say was it's the same as it was before, except more fighting and less sex. :) Half truths but good reasons. And I've thought about it, and it's not the same really, it's better. At least for me, I'm not speaking for Mark here but I'd like to think I am a little tiny bit...I know he'll always come home as long as I make it a good home to come to. I know we have years ahead of us, the rest of our lives really, and I actually would love to share it with Mark, we can talk in long term, about houses and cars and kicking the kids out when they are 18. He's excited about this baby, he wants me to be "his babies momma" *too late now* He takes care of me, I try to take care of him. We butt heads a lot but that's because we are both dominate personalities, I never had a relationship where I didn't dictate or control in some way, I was always the object of affection, or obsession. Mark took his knocks with relationships and now relishes control, and won't give it up. So we struggle a bit at times...nothing unusual though.

God I have turned into such a boring housewife. 10 minutes into this entry and I have talked about kids and my husband. I'm 21.

But speaking of old high school friends,:) last night John Weber came over. It's been 5 years I think...and he hasn't changed at all. Travis was rather at a loss for words, and I was too. I don't remember anything we used to talk about besides Jordan, and I restrained myself from bringing that up, so my energy for conversation was drained. Dave Bannik has made himself a regular visitor which is cool. We are starting to have quite a few regular visitors and I'm starting to feel young again if that makes any sense. You lose your age with babies, you get so wrapped up in them you forget to be young too.

My birthday is in 9 days. I will be 22, and nothing to look forward too. After 21, there is 25 for the insurance rates and then 65 for retirement. It's downhil from here folks. I am sadly struggling with the fact that I am not a teenager anymore, I am now an adult, everything including porn and alcohol is entirely accessible and there is no hidden, no mystery. I will never be in high school again, probably will never write notes again, can't dream about where I will attend college and when I will recieve my Nobel award. I can't wonder about what direction my life will lead because now I know. And knowing...isn't as nice as I thought it would be. My mother said I was too young to be facing a midlife crisis now, but I'm in some kind of one. I have a Peter Pan complex except I'm already there, already fat and balding and I can't fly anymore. I don't regret my choices, I can't. I have a beautiful son, a wonderful family and a good solid loving relationship with my husband...I may not be a jounalist or archealogist or a forensic photographer, but I'm happy for what that's worth. I'm just scared of one day finding myself with wrinkles and empty nest syndrome and then what's next? I'm sure this is trivial shit, but it's been harping at my worrisome brain for some time now. I need a vacation.

In the meantime, I have to clean. Back to the grind, I have waxed pathetic long enough.

-Petra

written on 2003-08-25 at 10:38 a.m. by sweetsolace.

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