Bleech.

This weekend has been most interesting. We got to be totally kid free for one night of it which was quite nice. Made me feel rather odd though, like I had nothing of importance to do. So we went over to Travis' as per usual. Before that we had rented Ghost Ship which personally I thought was excellent and Mark found lacking in the end. I think it was the whole religious references but he'll get over it. And Robin Williams' stint on Broadway which was focking hilarious. I especially got a kick out of him making fun of golf. *tee* The weekend before that we rented The Ring and Jackass. Omigod. Jackass was great...but the former was the scariest movie of all time for me. Next we rent The Osbournes and I dunno.

So I think things are getting better while they get slightly worse, if that makes any sense. Mark and I have been hashing some issues out lately, and it tends to go with us like I told Travis last night, our bickering is a building process rather than a destructive one. It's just retarded things like money that get worse. Damn republicans. We have them to blame for condoms, fake weed and deficit. *kidding* *well, only a little* We canceled the big wedding idea and I returned my dress. Bah. I am going to miss her most of all. It was an overwhelming process in such a short period of time, and too many monkey wrenches were thrown into the works as well. So we scrapped it for a couple of other possibilities and we'll see how it goes. Still want to go to Gatlinburg and see mountains again. Damn the military for showing me Europe. I still feel such a pull for it, the cultures and scenery...traditions and whatnot. I miss castles and mountains and a good transportation system. I don't regret the turns in my life, because of not for some really bad things, really good things wouldn't have happened like Jonathan and Mark. Heh, speaking of Mark, I read through our senior yearbook, *I never did get my own* and found where I had signed it babbling on about how we had a love/hate thing and we were like brother and sister, I liked him better than Gordon and mentioned Duracell. And told him good luck with his girl and his baby. It's strange to look back at how many times our lives crossed...I always had a bit of a crush on the goof, from the very first words he said to me which were that I had the biggest tits in the whole school. *such a romantic, ya know* When we worked at Nielson and it was cold he's let me in close to him in his jacket, he sent me to the ER once because he drank from my coke and had peanut butter M&M's and I'm allergic to peanuts, we picked on each other all the time...and then that fateful meeting in maybe Feb or March of 2001. Me and Kinder and him all happened to be at the Shell station at one time and we stood and talked for maybe 3 hours outside. I was with Kevin still at the time but unhappy. And I realized I still had a crush on him. I wanted so bad to ask him to go to Jerry's but he mentioned a g/f so I didn't. Instead we exchanged email addys and parted ways until June of 2002. Later on he told me if I had of asked him he would have went because he always had a thing for me and my butt. :) I've owed him nude pics since Senior year and I still haven't paid up, lol. And in June of 2002, my mom called him up with some problem and he asked if she was my mom cause her last name was Gomez, and she said yes and she emailed me asking if I knew Mark Maxwell. I was like, yeah, you can't top the copper top! So we started emailing and chatting and he asked me out to hang out that Friday night. We clicked so well, and much to my chagrin in admitting it, had sex that night and I slept over. I already was starting to fall in love with him. He took me home the next day after getting Grace and whatnot, and I didn't hear from him until the next day or so and later found out he was bad...but I wasn't dating him so what could I do, ya know. Pretty much after that we were inseperable. I knew he still went over there for dinner and whatnot, but that ended too. And for like, a whole week he asked me out. In the beginning it was I don't want a relationship and blah blah blah, and then it became please please please...I only hesitated because I didn't want to have my baby and then Mark bail because it was too much. But I should have known better.

Because Mark is was and always has been so good to me. He puts up with my shit which is a big factor, he takes care of me, he loves our son like he was his flesh and blood, and he loves me. And unequivically, I know that. I always had doubt in past relationships about the full extent of their passion or love but with Mark there is no doubt. We have been through too many personal trials which will always remain unsaid here and still came out strong for me to doubt it. He is such a good man and father. I could search for years and never find anyone else I would rather hold dear. He has been so good and understanding to me. He knows me, and things about me I would never tell anyone else and he never passed judgement. And still doesn't. He honestly loves me no matter what. How rare is that?

*mush mush*

Heh. Mom told me last night that when they had Jonathan he was calling for me and crying for me. He got upset with the both of them and started going, "mama, mamamamamama" That is the most beautiful sound in the world. Technically his first word was "Hi!" but everyone told me it would be dada. Haha, you fools! He says it sometimes when he's babbling at me but mostly when he's upset. I can't believe he calls for me, some of this motherhood stuff is so odd. He has a special happy face for me. He sees me and he lights up and gives me the most beautiful smile and reaches for me. And when he sees Mark he gives him the full on mouth-wide-open hell yeah it's Dad! smile, and starts getting excited cause it's playtime. I love that baby. I thank God for him everyday. I guess it's true what they say, that out of darkness comes some light. He's such a blessing. Mom said he's my sign from God, because he resembles my grandfather so much. I fell away from the church for so long and doubted everything, and still doubt most, but mainly my beliefs are a mix of different things, albeit all leading back to Him. Jonathan gives me peace in my heart, having him has restored my soul in a big sense and helped ease some of that old pain from Pa's death. And I do remember telling mom that I wouldn't rsolve myself, or completely give myself over until I got a sign. I am the type that needs hard evidence to believe. Sadly I suppose and ironic since my name is Petra Faith meaning rock of strength in hebrew and Faith well, you know. I had meant something more, but now that I think about it, what else do I need. My name should have been Thomas. Or Thomasina or something.

Anyhoo. So I started this at 2:28 and now it's 3 so I must be off to cuddle with my red headed scotsman. Love you baby.

-Petra

written on 2003-04-14 at 2:28 a.m. by sweetsolace.

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