Just updated my profile. Haven't done that in awhile. I noticed the books I read aren't as "smart" as some peoples. Well, when your IQ is as high as mine, you need to sometimes take a break from the everyday pressures of being a highly intelligent super genius. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Anyways, the stuff I read is crap to some but dear to me. Philosphy, transcendentalism (spel?), history (save some things) and whatever else is in vogue for the college kiddies and yuppie fucks aint my thing.

They found the body of the girl Carlie Brucia. Such a sad thing, but they have hard evidence of the man who did it, and may possibly have him in custody now. I hope he fries. I was laying in bed last night thinking again of my mortality (morbid) and couldn't imagine being snuffed out at such a young age. I've always had a tremendous will to live as does most people I'm sure but for me I've always been aware that death is an unsure and fickle thing. Even as a kid I used to fear it, afraid to go to bed thinking I wouldn't wake up or that I would get in some awful wreck or something. I don't really know where it came from truthfully. And now, every year I get older and more frightned to die. My mother attributes this to my being a back-slidden Christian. I hate that term, it's so ugly and rude. I'm only called that by her because I don't go to church and who said God lived in a church??? I grew up hearing the phrase "Where two or three are gathered in my name my presense is there" or something along those lines and aren't we temples of Christ? So technically I'm in church everyday? My fear of death is because I don't know what happens when we die. And I'm afraid of darkness, of nothing. I don't know which to fear worse, Hell or nothing. And this whole hell concept? Seems really a horrible thing to do to anyone, condemn millions of souls to eternal damnnation because they chose not to believe and worship a certain God. Isn't that kind of narcissistic? On God's part anyways. Worship me or suffer an eternity in Hell!!!! I mean, wow. Can't there be a rehabilitation program or get out of hell free card? Why couldn't "Heaven" be open to anyone and everyone? I really liked some of the ideas of afterlife in the BOOK What Dreams May Come. Not the movie, but the book. The idea that when we die we go to a place of biblical description,

but instead of it being based on religous belief, it's based on the advancement of your soul, what kind of person you are. Enlightenment and all that. It was a gorgeous idea, rather Godless it seemed and I don't know if that's a good thing. There were rules and whatnot and God exsisted, he just wasn't the death and doom bringer. Christians preach that God is Love, but if they really sat and read the bible it's full of contradictions. And how can a deity be so full of light and love and ultimate peace and harmony and only for those who worship him? Why not everyone, aren't we all his? I grew up in all of it so I know all the stories and all the answers to my questions that the preacher or my mother or any "good christian" would give me. The blood sacrifice and difference between old and new testament and how we are given a choice and boo. But why should it have to be a choice. And what if it isn't even right. What if God could care less about how or what we worship, what if only our souls mattered. What if we ALL were precious to him, and not just the ones that sang his praises? Just so ready not to die yet. I have so much to work out. I want to believe in something really, and have been studying different religions and trying to find my own system of beliefs and the only thing that works for me is to be alive. And it's a scary place to be really.

Insight would be helpful, people.

written on 2004-02-06 at 8:32 a.m. by sweetsolace.

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