Wow it's been awhile, eh?

No one ever updates this crap anymore, I check my buddy lists and whatnot, and two people update, cubiclegirl and poetinthesky. Which I enjoy their diaries, they just aren't entirely interesting to me.

I did realize I left out the most important bit about Easter in my last entry, the baskets! I set up the table to look like the easter bunny threw up all over it, lol. I had my little easter tree up, with all it's painted wood ornaments and each basket on either side and mine in the middle, easter grass spread out on the table and jellybeans too. Each baby got a wooden bunny puzzle and a stuffed animal of some kind and not too much candy because well, he can't and she shouldn't. I felt outdone when we dropped Grace off to Jenni and she had a mermaid Barbie and a big ass tree and at the base of it was all this cool candy like the wonderball and willy wonka stuff, you know the stuff that she didn't get over here. I tried to so hard to make it all look good and to get a good reaction out of her and she liked it well enough, but when she saw what jenni did as crappy as it may have been compared to mine she liked it 10 times better. And I talked to Mark's dad about it some, how dissapointed I was, and he told me that Jenni had earned his respect but he was very glad I came along, and that all things considered I am a good mother to Grace, and I should never get involved in trying to show Jenni up because it will never work. And I don't want to show her up, that wasn't my intention. It just bothers me that I have her so much, and I take care of her and treat her like she is my own, I love her like she is when it comes down to it, and it hurts that my everything isn't nearly as good as Jenni's hardly anything. If that makes any sense. I mean, I'm not saying Jenni isn't a good mother. I have no call there, but she doesn't discipline Grace, she gives her everything she wants whether it's candy or a new toy, she spoils her rotten over there and when grace comes back to us she is impossible for a couple days until she settles into our way here. I try to teach her manners and get her out of her little shell, I work with her on spelling and reading and make sure she gets good meals and eats right, she rarely gets candy, or new toys, because she doesn't need those things. And I've tried to discipline her in that...she is a spoiled brat and needs it. And she's getting so much better. And I feel like what I do pales in comparison to what her mother does. And it feels unfair sometimes. Oh wah I know.

Jonathan is crawling now, maybe not in the conventional sense of baby crawling, more like an army crawl as Mark puts it. Regardless he gets everywhere he needs to be. And a few places he doesn't. And he says mama so good...everyone says it's pretty neat that he says momma because usually the babies say dada first, because it's easier for little mouths to say dada than mama. But I worked with him a bit and now he says it all the time. Now Mark is working with him to say dada. It's cute to watch and I know Mark will be too cute when Jonathan starts saying dada.

Well I got a job of sorts. And I solved a few problems in the meantime. My grandmother is living in etown and she gets so lonely...and really all it would take to make her happy was if my mother came and saw her once in awhile or if she got to go out once in awhile. This doesn't happen for reason undisclosed. And Omi has been greatly depressed lately, more so than ever. So I called her up and made a proposition. Now she's got me one day a week all day to do whatever she needs whether it be yard work or cleaning to errand running or just company. She pays me and I help her. So now I get some extra money a month, 200 dollars and she gets company, and I get out of the house and whatnot. It's good for all of us. And we can catch up on rent finally too.

I've been rather depressed lately. And I've never been this way before really. People have said I was crazy when I wasn't, just hormonal. But this time I think I have a problem. I'm getting to where I don't want to leave the house, and I'm always sad, or upset. And I feel stuck. I can't say I'm always pleased with my station in life. Everyone tells me I've got the most important job which is being a stay at home mom, but it's thankless and there's no gratification. I don't get a check everyweek or get a handshake and a thank you for the job well done. I clean every day only so someone can mess it up later, I cook only so that it can be consumed and left to be cleaned, I raise one only so that someone can come in and undermine everything I did and raise the other who is growing up way too fast for me to adjust. Now that I am pulling in money too I feel lots better, more of a contributor and I've been dragging my ass out lots more and that's making me feel better too. Travis asks me if I smile anymore, and my mother thinks I should move back home until me and Mark get married but that is silly since we're getting married quite soon. I think I will be ok, I just need time. I need time to heal and to be at peace with myself and the decisions I've made. And maybe at peace with god too.

I know I'm so hard on Mark. The other day I went off on him, and I could hardly believe myself. It was like watching a train wreck on the outside and not being able to do a damn thing about it, I couldn't believe the things that were coming out of my mouth. And at the time, I really felt them. And not to say that he didn't deserve any of it, at least half. Maybe not even half. I couldn't stop either. And I don't mean to take my unhappiness out on him because he is one of the few things that I'm happy about, but sometimes he can be harsh. We are two different people in that I can be overemotional and too caring and too willing to help a person out. And Mark is a good man in the sense of it, but when it comes right down to it, he doesn't care. Nothing ever really touches him, and even if it did I wouldn't know about it until he told me. I've come to see that it's a defense mechanism, but he wouldn't see it that way. In the beginning I thought and not to mean this harshly, I thought he was a one layered person. As is. What you see is what you get. I see now that he has many layers of which I'm not allowed in yet, and I find that difficult. Motherhood and Mark are teaching me patience and I don't want to learn. I hate it sometimes, I'm not a patient person whatsoever by nature. I never take things slow.

I'm sure all that was a jumble of shit and nonsense since I didn't do it all in one straight shot and I'm pretty much done now. I wish Mark would UPDATE! But wishing in one hand and shit in the other....anyways. Until next time.

-Petra

written on 2003-04-30 at 9:43 a.m. by sweetsolace.

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