Happy Birthday to me!

Such a birthday so far...Jonathan has a fever and I suspect an ear infection, and also a cough so maybe a upper respiratory which Grace is currently working through, and also PINK EYE over at her mothers...so I have a doc appointment for him today which means I had to reschedule MY appointment for NuBaby.

Mark's great grandfather on his mothers side, Richard Jarboe, died. So we went to the visitation and funeral which was yesterday and Mark was a pallbearer. It was all so very surreal. I have avoided funerals since my grandfather died back in 98. It's not that I'm selfish or weak or anything, I really snapped during that period of time, mainly over the casket, during the visitation for him I held his hand and stroked his face and straightned his clothes every 5 minutes. Shit, I held his hands until they were warm and movable. I hardly let anyone else near. He was my father, my best friend, and I loved him so much and losing him was losing my heart. I never loved anyone so much as him until now with Mark and my kids. And I kick myself for that particular act of craziness because now I struggle remembering his face, his voice, or his touch without thinking of that smiling dead man in his casket. I chose to not go to funerals after that because they are a great reminder of what I lost, and I am simply trying to forget it and not cry about it anymore, it's been 6 years. But I couldn't avoid this one, it wouldn't have been right. I am new to the family and in support of them and my husband I had to go. I did alright, not really having too bad of a time until the funeral, when they played the music. The Old Rugged Cross was a favorite of Pa's, and hearing that hurt. I feel like such an idiot crying at someones funeral whom I've never even met...but damn. Plus I'm so hormonal right now and his loss for his family got to me as well and it was miserable. Blah.

Well I need to find something to eat and clean. Later.

-Petra

written on 2003-09-03 at 11:47 a.m. by sweetsolace.

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